One Woman's Experience Of Neptune

by Lita Miller

Each planet in the chart represents an archetypal energy, particularly the outer planets with their huge sphere of influence and their generational effects. I understand that during this life, we are to encounter each archetype again and again in its various forms and shapes, over and over, until we are able to turn it into our Ally. We need to slay the dragon, allowing it to transform into our Guardian Angel.

Pluto represents our karmic guilt, and Neptune symbolizes the way we design our suffering to atone for our past actions. During much of our lives our sense of karmic guilt is unresolved, using a great deal of Neptune's energy to create experiences for us to undergo the measure of suffering we believe is commensurate to our guilt. We consciously bring to light the source of our guilt, ask for forgiveness, and allow that burden to be released from us. Would it not follow that the energy previously used to create our suffering would no longer be required, since the continuation of unconscious suffering would no longer be needed?

Would you then have Neptune and all of its vast energy -- the energy of the boundless ocean -- standing by waiting for further and new orders? I had the feeling that after working on so many Pluto issues, and resolving a great deal of guilt, that during that process a large part of Neptune's energy would be freed up. That did not happen. I had not given out any new instructions about what was to be done with it. In the meantime, it is as though Neptune went on autopilot -- and the energy was funneled into the unconscious belief systems of my generation.

For me, this is Libra and the accompanying illusions have all to do with marriage and relationships, as well as many other things such as music and artistic creativity. Suddenly I found myself in the throes of feelings and emotions I could not identify or understand. They seemed to have no source. My chart is has a great deal of Pisces energy. During my life I have truly encountered the archetypes of Neptune's world in their many forms -- from alcohol and drug dependency, to co-dependency, religious fanaticism, being a Jesus freak, being a religious revolutionary, psychic experimentation, professional musician, healing training, on up to transcendent spiritual experiences. It was time for me to encounter once again the vast power of this planet. I think it may represent a breaking point at which I can transform my previous need to suffer into a path of positive redemption and sacredness. The doorway between the two dimensions was built out of the archetypal images of Neptune in Libra.

My Neptune in Libra is in the 1st house - and I understand now that subconsciously I felt I did not deserve to be a person - with my own personality and sense of individual existence. I did not deserve to be married to a "good guy" who actually loved me for who and what I am and had no need or desire to remake me in his image. Therefore, since being married to my husband is like that, it followed that it must not be real. It would only be a matter of time until he showed his real self and he would not be the person he says he is. The whole thing would be exposed as a fraud or fantasy and fall apart.

My Neptune Illusions:

In the 50s, marriage was Ozzie and Harriett. I discovered the following things hiding in my subconscious programming:

There is a wife and there is a mistress. The wife after marriage cuts all her hair off, gets fat, has children, becomes boring, dowdy, unappealing, and undesirable. She stays home and does "nothing." The man earns the money, makes the decisions, and has freedoms she does not have.

Being married means having money problems. Having responsibilities, having children. Having pressures and burdens.

Marriage is a process of two people blending into one, blending the lives, blending the paths, the wife dissolving into the husband.

Neptune in Libra in the 1st says, "You are nothing without the perfect marriage. To define the perfect marriage, see the illusions above. Since you do not have a marriage that conforms to this list, you do not have a perfect marriage --- and it is because you yourself are somehow defective and do not deserve it."

My Neptune Journey:

My husband and I were married in July 1996. In 3 months, I got pregnant. I kept all the weight I had gained and gained more. One illusion fulfilled - I was fat, stopped wearing makeup, became dowdy, lazy, and eventually cut all of my hair off. I didn't realize then that subconsciously I had already begun to suspect him of involvement with other women that he has never had -- because they go hand in hand, right?

We remodeled part of our house, and began a long road of financial difficulty. Neptune is conjunct my Saturn in the 2nd - another way to suffer, another illusion about things that go with being married.

I was the major money earner (until just recently). My buried belief system says that is just not done in a perfect marriage. Once again triggering the subconscious idea that this was not real and would not last. I began to hate my job and could not think about anything but being able to quit work -- when that was just impossible for us financially. I actually became a depressed, unhappy, despondent, sullen, couch potato -- I slept and slept. The rest of the time I was physically sick -- Neptune on the 6th house too and in the 1st -- vague, mysterious symptoms, changing weekly or daily, and punctuated with big weeks of major illnesses. If not that, then emotional turmoil that was its own sickness. I was nonfunctional - frozen- I was more active when I was asleep!

All of this culminated in events that caused me to finally wake up from this sleep. I saw that although I consciously did not buy into any of this system of thought, I was emotionally automatically reacting to everything in my life from someplace within that box -- a box I would never have believed was there. A simple discussion with my husband in which I was looking at the difference in our Sun and North Node combinations turned all the light on in the basement and I began crawling out into the light.

I have already lost weight, without any attempt to. I feel like myself the person I know and am used to being once again. I had disappeared into the shrouded fogs of Neptune and have emerged again as myself, but a self that is free of so much pain. I am in the process of giving Neptune new directions about what I would like it to help me create in the present and the future.

Once again I am able to feel my grateful heart. I am deeply thankful for the wisdom gained, even though it was painful, from this immersion into the depths of Pisces.

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